All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
