Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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