I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
