you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
