you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my shit smells like andre
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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