Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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