just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize