On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
