last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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