I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
