Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
