she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
