i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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