You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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