This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
