dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
