He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize