Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
