he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
