: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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