If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
