did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
