Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
organizing the empties. That sober.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize