I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
