yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize