he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
