How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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