I can text with my tongue
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize