I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
