At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
