I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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