you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My vagina just recognized that song.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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