one might say we're banned from that church
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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