Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
