a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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