Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
