what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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