so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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