the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
