oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
