Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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