I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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