Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
