My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
