Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
