Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
