I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
