Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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