If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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