i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
