Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
