Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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