I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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