He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
