I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
