just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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