You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
