this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
