remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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